AssistedConception.org

Background

As a little girl you grow up dreaming of getting married and having children, the maternal instinct is in us all, it’s what we are designed to do physically, mentally and emotionally!

I was no different to any other kid except I always though that my path to motherhood would not be straight, I don’t know why, I just always had this gut feeling.

I started having a serious relationship in my middle teens and for some irresponsible reason I never used protection for over 4yrs and never once got caught. It never bothered me as I was young and didn’t want children then anyway, I was never one to count my cycle length etc.

In 2000 I met my husband Ian, even though he is 14 years old than me we hit it off and fell deeply in love. Things progressed quickly and within 18 months we were married. He had been previously married for about 10 years, they started having problems and his wife, even though they had never planned on having children, thought that having a baby would now save their relationship. After months of trying and no pregnancy she went to have tests which resulted in her having severe endometriosis. They started to have IVF treatment but she reacted badly to the hyper stimulation injections. The situation got so bad that she refused to be touched by him in fear of disappointment each month. She eventually ran off with another woman. This at the time was destroying for him, even though a massive relief when she eventually left.

Ian and myself never used protection from about 3 months into our relationship, 1. I had this gut feeling that I could get pregnant and 2. We would not have been bothered if I did. But, once we were married my ‘nesting’ instinct kicked in and I wanted a baby more that anything so we seriously tried for about a year, with no joy. I remember his friends telling us they were pregnant, I acted ever so happy for them, until I got home and broke down.

I told Ian for months that I should go for tests, that something was wrong. He would just tell me to be patient and that it would happen when it was meant to. After months of saying this I found out that he didn’t want me to go because he was scared of me going the same way as his ex wife if was infertile. That he wanted me more than children.

I saw my GP and was referred to a gynaecologist. At my first consultation he asked me general health questions. He gave me blood test on day 21 and day 28 of my cycle (by now I knew my periods were irregular) and booked me in for a laperoscopy. On the day of my operation I was terrified, what would happen if cant have kids? Poor Ian 2 wives and both infertile! Would he want to be with me if couldn’t have kids?

When I woke up from theatre the first thing I asked was what could they see. They explained to me that my left tube was blocked but not to worry as my right side was fine and my blood results were over 30, which meant I was ovulating. I still burst into tears. All I wanted to do was go home.

Ian was very considerate, he looked after me, but he was not sympathetic. From here on he distanced himself from the whole situation. We would talk about kids and what we would do but he would never say he wanted them. Looking back now I know he didn’t want to build his hopes up to be shattered and he didn’t want to put pressure on me to get pregnant.

My second consultation was in March, by this time I had tried to buy clomid on the net to help my chances, but Ian went mad. My doc suggested that I try clomid anyway.

I have now been on clomid for 8 months - you can only stay on clomid for 1yr max due to increased risk of ovarian cancer. I made a diary of my treatment and emotions, so here goes.

My Dairy

March 2003. 50mg clomid.
My first month, hopes are up. Is this the wonder drug that they make out? I could be pregnant in six months - the success rates are high and the doctors are confident. Ian isn’t any more supportive, I feel he just acts as a sperm donor, doesn’t really want to get emotionally involved.

Period started on day 32 didn’t really shock me even though my day 21 tests were 47 (they only need to be over 30 to ovulate).

April 2003 50mg clomid.
Still thinking my chances of becoming pregnant within 6 months are pretty good.

Period started day 37. Shocked me as I have never had a cycle this long before. But blood result was 37.

May 2003 50 mg clomid.
Still optimistic about my chances everything seems to be doing what it’s doing. A ‘normal’ couple have a 25% chance of conceiving per month and over 80% of them will be pregnant in a year and if everything goes the way it is I will have the same chance.

Period started Day 35. Blood result 28.

June 2003 100 mg clomid.
Doc upped my dose. He thinks the clomid had no effect on me the last three cycles that it was all natural. Now have to go in on day 10 to have an internal scan to check my womb lining and my follicles, they same ‘normal’. Still feel Ian doesn’t care and I have started getting paranoid thinking that he’s ‘faking it’ in order to not get me pregnant.

Period started day 31. Didn’t get blood results.

July 2003 100 mg clomid.
My head is done in; I am giving Ian so much grief. I can’t stop crying and all I can’t think about is having a baby. I can’t focus at work. A work colleague of Ian’’s has just had a baby, all Ian can talk about is how happy his mate is, he keeps talking about what the baby does. This is the first time he has shown me he wants to be a dad. I feel so inadequate for him, it’s not fair we are good people we don’t deserve this. Doc not explaining things very well to me. I keep bringing up Ian’s past IVF treatment and then that I want it NOW, he’s worried about affording it as were still paying our wedding off, which infuriates me. His ex wife got IVF treatment and I can’t!!!!

Period started day 35. Scan results show that I will be ovulating from my left side. Doc explains that I have the same chance of getting pregnant from my left side as my right; apparently the egg will transfer to my right side because my left is blocked. I don’t understand this but they are the experts. Didn’t get blood results. Scan also shows I have polycystic patterns on my ovaries and large cysts (clomid related but they assure me they will go) BUT blood results show I don’t have the conditions – confused to say the least.

August 2003 100mg clomid.
Still feeling crap but I’m now looking at different treatments and what my next step is. I know I don’t want to adopt, I am not maternal in the way I need to have a baby in my life. I want Ian’s and mine.

Period started day 29. Scans showed my left ovary to ovulates. No cysts.

September 2003.
I have seen another consultant and I feel I can talk to him more. I started asking him loads of question about IUI. He tells me to calm down. He starts to explain to me that he doesn’t feel that they have got me ovulating properly, that my blood work of the last three months were 27, 23 & 29 too little to ovulate. He also thinks that may eggs may not mature enough or be too old to be fertilised. He says he wants to put me on the max dose of clomid and says he wants to regulate my periods to 28 days so I can pin point my time of ovulation and maximise my chances.

I have a scan on day 10, it shows my womb lining is 10mm and I have two follicles on my right ovary app 15 &14 mm. He asks to me to go back on day 14 when he will check me again and then give me a shot of hCG to make me ovulate in 36 hours when my eggs are perfect for fertilisation. Scans show my lining now 17mm and my follicles 21 & 20 (all that is needed is over 7mm for lining and 9mm for follicles and I have 2 - YES!). All is looking good my blood result is 51. I am so happy, my hopes are so high.

Also, this month I read in a national magazine about a woman who specializes in reflexology for infertile people. So I make an appointment to see her. She is brilliant she has helped 100’s of people and most of them with infertility problems. She prescribed FC with Dong Quay to nourish the reproductive system and MACA to normalise my hormones – they don’t interfere with my real drugs. Don’t know if this has contributed to my good month but it has given me a fresh confidence.

My dad also giving my grief about being a granddad - still not told him my problems.

Period started day 30. My cycle correct for optimum fertilisation. I am still gutted.

October 2003 100mg clomid.
This brings me up to date. I am going in for my scan in the next few days. My hopes are up - I have to keep them up! I was at a family gathering the other day and my mum was talking about being a Nan and she can’t wait, Ian turned around and said ‘I want to be a dad’ totally out of the blue to my parents. I felt so proud.

So I will carry on with the treatment, I will only be on clomid for another month after which they will give me injections and IUI. I still feel my journey to motherhood is going to be tedious and painful. I try to stay positive, but I am still very angry and upset, I give Ian so much grief I think I am turning into a wild woman. I pray every night. We deserve to have our baby. For everyone else in this situation my heart goes out to you and I hope your dreams are answered. I will keep you updated with my treatment and progress.

Beth

Beth moved onto IVF and was successful in her first cycle and is expecting twins in Nov.

Sam MacCuish
Cradle Editor