AssistedConception.org

Our IVF Adventure - Part 1, Acceptance

Our journey into the realms of assisted conception began after a laparoscopy confirmed what I had suspected for some time, that I had endometriosis. I was 27, my husband Gary 29 and we had been trying to conceive for about a year. I had always suspected that something wasn’t quite right with me, but after numerous GP’s told me I was merely a ‘cyber-chondriac’ I had just about convinced myself that things would be fine. It was almost a relief then to be told that my fears were justified, but it was a shock to be told that the disease was at an advanced, severe stage, and that I was probably also suffering from polycystic ovarian syndrome to boot.

In the two months we had to wait to actually discuss the diagnosis and next steps with the consultant, I looked into the usual treatment options and managed to convince myself that they would just operate, zap the diseased bits and I would be fine. It was fairly devastating to find out that surgery and drug treatments weren’t valid options, and that our best chance of conceiving was to go down the IVF route.

I had failed to cover IVF treatment in my Google forays. I was unprepared to digest this news, we both were. My knowledge of IVF was pieced together from various TV programmes and trashy magazine articles. I felt panicky and sick and my head was flooded with negative thoughts. Surely this was something that we wouldn’t have to try until much further down the line? Wasn’t it just for those people who had been trying desperately for years and years, who had explored every other avenue? Wasn’t it a painful and arduous process that could put immense strain on relationships? Wasn’t it hideously expensive, and if it was available on the NHS would we qualify, and even if we did wouldn’t the waiting list be forever??? How could this be our only option?

The consultant told us that there was still a chance we could conceive naturally, so we should keep trying, but in the meantime, he would refer us to the Glasgow Royal Infirmary and we would go on their waiting list for IVF treatment. He couldn’t tell us how long the waiting list was but he thought it might be 2 years.

I found it incredibly difficult to accept that this was really the best way forward for us. Gary was wonderful but despite his reassurances, I couldn’t help feeling like a big fat let down to him, and even to my mum and Gary’s parents. It seemed as though we would never be parents or give them the chance to be doting grandparents. I couldn’t ever imagine it actually happening. It just felt too hard and so unfair.

I was reluctantly searching for information on waiting times at the Royal when I chanced upon the CRADLE website and discovered they were holding a meeting the following week. I couldn’t believe it when I e-mailed the editor and discovered that she was about the same age as me, had almost exactly the same problems and had already had a child through IVF. It was quite a revelation for me. The e-mails we exchanged were heartening and so understanding of my confusion and despair that I decided I would go to the meeting. When I mentioned it to Gary I was so pleased when he was enthusiastic and wanted to go along too.

I can honestly say that going to that meeting, and to all the others since has been the best thing we could ever have done. I felt as though I was constantly moaning to close friends and family or holding back and trying not to appear obsessed, and to be able to talk and listen to others going through exactly the same emotions and facing the same procedures was totally sanity saving. Not only could I pour out my own worries but I got to hear of others who had moved on from the initial acceptance and actually experienced various types of treatment. To see all these couples who were just like us talking about their experiences made me realise that it wasn’t such a bizarre thing to be doing. Okay, no one ever claimed it would be easy but they had all gotten through it. Some were successful, some hadn’t been yet but they were still trying.

As well as emotional support, being able to have a good old moan, and realise that it was normal to sometimes feel jealous of your fertile friends, it was also fantastic for deepening our understanding of just what was involved. To try and pick my way through the mass of information out there on my own would have just been overwhelming. At the group we discovered not just the more obvious details about procedures but the smaller things too, that no book or doctor would have bothered to mention but that could make a big difference to us. The different speakers who came to the group also fleshed out the picture for us. Gary was never great at reading all the info I would print out or the books I borrowed from the group but he picked up a lot from listening to people at the meetings.

It’s now 11 months down the line from that initial diagnosis, and we are about to start our treatment in the next couple of weeks. Each time I have returned from a Cradle meeting I’ve felt more positive, more sure and stronger as a couple about facing this treatment together, to the point where we are actually excited about embarking upon it. I feel now that we are lucky to have IVF as an option, and incredibly lucky that we are able to get it on the NHS and that we didn’t have a huge wait. The information we gleaned from going to the meetings has made us more confident in the choices we have made, like the decision to wait for NHS treatment rather than going for private treatment first.

In the past year or so I have tried various alternative treatments to increase our chances of conceiving naturally, and to help manage the symptoms of my disease and now also to give the IVF the best chance of working. We have given it our best shot and now we are ready to try IVF. I can think of it now as a medical treatment for a condition much like any other. Although a part of me is still a little sad that we will not get to enter into pregnancy the way that most couples do, ie: in a slightly more natural, relaxed, romantic and private way, I have accepted that this is just the way its got to be for us, as for many others. I still have times when I feel sorry for myself and worry about how we will cope, and days where a cute child in the supermarket makes my eyes well up at the checkout, but they don’t last for long and I draw comfort by allowing myself to think of just how special it will be when it does finally happen for us.

In the past few months, as the date for our treatment draws nearer, I have been trying to find the balance between being positive and being realistic. It’s only recently that I have been able to speak tentatively about how our lives may be changed next year. We just came back from a gloriously relaxing holiday in Corfu because, who knows, it might be our last for while! I know what the statistics are, and that our first may well not be our only attempt at this, but we will deal with that when we need to. I feel instinctively that there is no point entering into this unless you believe that it will work. For the moment I am counting down the days until we start with anticipation. I know it is going to be an emotional rollercoaster, but I think we have done all we can to prepare and we have the love, enthusiasm and support of our close friends and families to bolster us. I guess the hardest part is just not knowing what the future holds for us, how long our journey down this path will take or where it will eventually lead us. I am glad though that we are on our way, that we discovered our support group and that we will be able to rely on CRADLE as we move on.
Since writing this story, Gillian and Gary became pregnant with twins on their first cycle of IVF. Joni and Carly were born on the 14th June 2005.